"People will forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel." - Maya Angelou
FLIPPING YOUR LID
World renown author and clinical professor of psychiatry, Dr. Daniel Siegel helps explain the science behind why we emotionally dysregulate. Understanding your brain can help you know what happening to your kids when they "flip-their-lid", lets be honest we all "flip-our-lids". Watch Dr. Siegel explain it here
We need to CONNECT before we CORRECT.
Dr Bruce Perry, a senior fellow at the Child Trauma Academy neuroscientist, researcher and author offers this guidance;
1. Regulate
2. Relate, then
3. Reason
Often as adults because our rational brain is still functioning when our little ones are falling apart, we jump to reason, which often goes terribly because they can't hear us because they are in survival mode, or their right emotional brain is in control. We need to regulate our kids first through a variety of techniques, but not sending them off to be alone, then relate to how they are feeling so they know they have been seen and heard because as irrational as their feelings might seem in that moment, to them, they are very much real, present and need to be acknowledged. Reasoning only works once their "upstairs" brain is back on-line.
World renown author and clinical professor of psychiatry, Dr. Daniel Siegel helps explain the science behind why we emotionally dysregulate. Understanding your brain can help you know what happening to your kids when they "flip-their-lid", lets be honest we all "flip-our-lids". Watch Dr. Siegel explain it here
We need to CONNECT before we CORRECT.
Dr Bruce Perry, a senior fellow at the Child Trauma Academy neuroscientist, researcher and author offers this guidance;
1. Regulate
2. Relate, then
3. Reason
Often as adults because our rational brain is still functioning when our little ones are falling apart, we jump to reason, which often goes terribly because they can't hear us because they are in survival mode, or their right emotional brain is in control. We need to regulate our kids first through a variety of techniques, but not sending them off to be alone, then relate to how they are feeling so they know they have been seen and heard because as irrational as their feelings might seem in that moment, to them, they are very much real, present and need to be acknowledged. Reasoning only works once their "upstairs" brain is back on-line.
Dr. Siegel offers practical and simple ways to help regulate your child in The Whole-Brain Child by explaining ways to integrate the left and right brain as well as the "upstairs" and "downstairs" brain.
Such as Connect and redirect , Name it to tame it |
When kids dysregulate, they are entering FIGHT, FLIGHT, FREEZE, which can trigger our own stress response. We need to build our capacity to stay calm and regulated during these times, and that's hard. We won't be perfect at it.
BEHAVIOURS
So, we talked about "flipping your lids" and most of us can think of a time when we have either done this or witnessed this, so we know what it might look like. Have a peak at the iceberg picture below. We often see behaviour, and we attempt to correct the behaviour, but it is the tip of the iceberg. We are complex and there are things going on under the surface; sometimes out of our awareness and sometimes within our awareness ( when it is out of our awareness we might be lacking the vocabulary to express it, or need help exploring it so that we can communicate it).
Get curious without judgement, and without wanting to fix it right away. Ask questions, a simple, " Tell me more", tells them you are curious to know why they are behaving the way they are. The hard part is they might not know, and that is fair, but we can ask questions, even if we don't understand it because it allows them to explore their feelings and thoughts in a safe way.
So, we talked about "flipping your lids" and most of us can think of a time when we have either done this or witnessed this, so we know what it might look like. Have a peak at the iceberg picture below. We often see behaviour, and we attempt to correct the behaviour, but it is the tip of the iceberg. We are complex and there are things going on under the surface; sometimes out of our awareness and sometimes within our awareness ( when it is out of our awareness we might be lacking the vocabulary to express it, or need help exploring it so that we can communicate it).
Get curious without judgement, and without wanting to fix it right away. Ask questions, a simple, " Tell me more", tells them you are curious to know why they are behaving the way they are. The hard part is they might not know, and that is fair, but we can ask questions, even if we don't understand it because it allows them to explore their feelings and thoughts in a safe way.
MINDFULNESS
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As noted in the Blog, Dinner Table Conversations, ( if you haven’t read it, go check it out). Mindfulness is the practice of bringing awareness to your thoughts and feelings, in a non-judgmental manner. It is an evidence –based practice that helps reduce anxiety and stress, but it helps build resiliency and strengthens coping strategies. There is even a Mindful Attention Awareness Scale, with 15 items that you score yourself from 1-6 ( 1 being almost always and 6 being almost never) and some of the questions include :
If you’re a person who wants to know more watch the video. Jon-Kabat-Zin explains how our brain is constantly creating narratives, and when our brain is constructing narratives we are often the main character. Jon Kabat-Zin a renowned Mindfulness expert, defines it as paying attention on purpose to something in the present, non-judgmentally. |
The practice of Mindfulness can help us cope with life stressors and anxieties by bringing attention into the present moment and away from the what-if’s and other worries that past and future thoughts can bring. According to Kabat-Zinn, throughout the history of humans this was an effective skill as it allowed us to scan for threats or think about future or potential problems and work them out in our heads.
The issue with this ability is that when we begin thinking about and imagining potential challenges (time-stress, rejection, failure, loss, money problems, etc.), we may respond to those events as if they are happening right now, resulting in feelings of stress and anxiety. By practicing Mindfulness we learn to recognize when our minds have begun to take part in a stress inducing wander and pull them back to the present moment. This may sound like a simple task but in practice it can be very challenging.
Check out the resources in the Mental Health Apps, some of them can help guide you through learning more Mindfulness
The issue with this ability is that when we begin thinking about and imagining potential challenges (time-stress, rejection, failure, loss, money problems, etc.), we may respond to those events as if they are happening right now, resulting in feelings of stress and anxiety. By practicing Mindfulness we learn to recognize when our minds have begun to take part in a stress inducing wander and pull them back to the present moment. This may sound like a simple task but in practice it can be very challenging.
Check out the resources in the Mental Health Apps, some of them can help guide you through learning more Mindfulness
EMOTIONAL LITERACY
As parents, we can do a lot to cultivate emotional intelligence. In fact, many of the ways we help young people develop emotional intelligence is simple and might even be things you already do with your family.
Some key things to keep in mind:
Elementary:
Some key things to keep in mind:
- no feeling is bad/wrong (although some might be uncomfortable)
- often when experiencing a big feeling we are just looking for validation (see blog post: Emotion-Coaching: Step 1 Validation)
- as parents, try to share your own feelings and imperfections
- listen (without trying to fix or change).
Elementary:
- Feelings bingo (lots of free printables on-line or make your own)
- Charades (act out a feeling and have the others guess what it is)
- Look for ‘feelings’ in books, tv shows, and other family members (this helps with the ability to notice feelings in others)
- Create a family poster of emojis (have your child trace circles on a poster board and have family members add some of the emotions they notice with the fun face to match)
- Write letters/a journal back and forth to your teen being curious about emotions (tell me a time in the last week you felt joy/sad/anxious…)
- Share your peak & pit (high/low, cherry/lemon) of the day at dinner (and parents don’t forget to share yours too)
- Encourage them to share their perspectives (especially when different from yours) and try to name or recognize the feelings behind them
A great podcast on emotional literacy:
Click the picture to go have a listen or find it at the URL https://brenebrown.com/podcast/dr-marc-brackett-and-brene-on-permission-to-feel/. |
Below is a helpful graphic summarizing the podcast!
Photo retrieved from Marc Brackett, Ph.D
Name it to tame it.
An emotional regulation strategy is that we need to be able to "name it to tame it". What does that mean? When kids are having big emotions we can help them tell the story of their experiencing and identifying the emotions that went along with the experiences.
See above information on emotional literacy, or our blog How are you really feeling?
We can teach our kids implicitly ( modelling) or explicit ( telling) our kids. Truth is, we need a little bit of both.
When we have big emotions we can show our emotions in a healthy and appropriate way, and then talk about our own feelings, and tell the narrative/story around those feelings, and then weave into our story how we managed those emotions.
"Today, you saw me crying, and then I went for a walk and I feel better now. I was feeling really scared and disappointed with what is going on. "
Explicit can be helping your child identify feelings. Look at the feelings wheel below to help identify a broaden range of feelings.
An emotional regulation strategy is that we need to be able to "name it to tame it". What does that mean? When kids are having big emotions we can help them tell the story of their experiencing and identifying the emotions that went along with the experiences.
See above information on emotional literacy, or our blog How are you really feeling?
We can teach our kids implicitly ( modelling) or explicit ( telling) our kids. Truth is, we need a little bit of both.
When we have big emotions we can show our emotions in a healthy and appropriate way, and then talk about our own feelings, and tell the narrative/story around those feelings, and then weave into our story how we managed those emotions.
"Today, you saw me crying, and then I went for a walk and I feel better now. I was feeling really scared and disappointed with what is going on. "
Explicit can be helping your child identify feelings. Look at the feelings wheel below to help identify a broaden range of feelings.
acknowledge your emotions
Acknowledging, and better yet validating someone's feelings can seem challenging.
As a society we are emotionally avoidant because maybe we find it hard to see someone we care about in pain and want to fix it for them, because maybe the emotional pain reminds us of our own pain and we don't know what to say, because maybe we don't understand or agree with their pain, and because we were never taught how to respond.
I hear yah- being present and really trying to understand what another person is feeling is hard. We have to step into their shoes. We won't always agree, but remember for the person experiencing the emotion, it is real for them
All emotions have a :
Watch the video below from Anne Hilde Vassbø Hagen
As a society we are emotionally avoidant because maybe we find it hard to see someone we care about in pain and want to fix it for them, because maybe the emotional pain reminds us of our own pain and we don't know what to say, because maybe we don't understand or agree with their pain, and because we were never taught how to respond.
I hear yah- being present and really trying to understand what another person is feeling is hard. We have to step into their shoes. We won't always agree, but remember for the person experiencing the emotion, it is real for them
All emotions have a :
- Label
- Need
- Action Tendency
- Bodily sensation
Watch the video below from Anne Hilde Vassbø Hagen